OK. Cards on the table here.
I just don’t get the skateboarding/surfing/snowboarding scene.
I’ve watched some programs on the telly; you know the ones like Transworld Sport that show skinny ‘dudes’ in stupid clothes (OK not the surfers) throwing themselves about on bits of wood - either with or without wheels attached - as some sub-standard ska/skunk/punk/white reggae/dub crapola piece of music plays over the top, performed by bands with names like Hula Hoop, Crushed Beards or Corporations Suck!
Then they interview these guys and all they do is prattle on about their ‘sticks', ‘barrels’ and ‘carvings’ and I’m thinking, "Are they all carpenters who make their own boards?".
But what really throws me is the fact that there’s so much money in it. Some of these people make six figure sums every year doing this! For basically – to paraphrase Viv Savage – “having a good time all the time”. What’s all that about?
Yep, it’s all a complete mystery, almost as much of a mystery as baby noises, the universe and the continued global success of The Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
How the f**k did that happen?
Anyway, this all leads me to Three and A Quarter and their album ‘Chubby Dubby’. Based out of Lisbon, Portugal these guys have got the skate/surf/snow scene sussed.
Why? Because one of them is English, one is Portugese and the other is American. In other words they’ve probably got every demographic covered in the S/S/S world and can probably pull the ladies on any beach/mountainside/supermarket car park on any continent. It's likely their roadie is an Aussie just to ensure total global coverage.
Three and A Quarter’s music is that aforementioned mish-mash of ska/dub/reggae/punk/metal that never seems to have any real purpose other than to soundtrack the S/S/S scene and maybe some awful vehicle for Vin Diesel (‘Pitch Black’ being the exception that proves the rule).
But I bet this stuff sells by the truckload and keeps the boys in beer, boards and wax for months.
Live I can imagine that Three and A Quarter are great fun. I can picture them now running all over the stage, topless and free of chest hair, wearing those ‘not quite trousers, not quite shorts’ on their legs and some top brand footwear. No doubt they bodysurf all over the crowd – before, after and during songs - and shout a lot and pogo and generally get really ‘stoked’ about everyone being there.
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Certainly the production aims to capture that live sound and in terms of musicianship these guys can sure play their instruments. However, playing like a great session man does not equate to making great music and too much of ‘Chubby Dubby’ feels like thrown together bits and pieces of late night jamming. In fact the last track sounds as if the producer popped out for a slash and left the record button on while the band tried out a few new ideas.
It’s the aural equivalent of watching someone doodling on a piece of paper for 15 minutes.
I don’t think it matters what these guys sing about. Words just seem to be sung to match the beat on display at any given point in time. One or two tracks manage to retain some kind of structure beyond the endless fretwank and irritating tempo changes (seemingly averaging about 8 a track – blimey, not even Yes had that many!).
‘Luv Song’ is a nice touch of reggae-lite. Handily the lyrics are printed and include the line, ‘I’m soooo in luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv’ (That’s 4 ‘o’s and 20 ‘u’s. Go on, count ‘em). ‘To All My Loved Ones’ starts off promisingly but soon deteriorates into the usual quagmire of lumpen musical piffle.
Am I just an old fart who doesn’t get it? Probably, but I’ll stick with my albums by The Clash, The Beat, The Police, The Specials, Jane’s Addictions etc. and continue to use car parks for their intended purpose.
www.threeandaquarter.com
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